Sayings - Questions - Facts - Great Quotes

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahertz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
There are 8.26 ounces per Anagram (thanks to NetFlix)

1. If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?
2. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
3. What's the speed of dark?
4. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
5. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
6. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
7. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
8. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
9. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12. If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
13. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"
14. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
15. Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
16. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
17. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
18. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
19. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
20. What's another word for synonym?
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
22. When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
23. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
24. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
25. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
26. How can there be self-help groups?
27. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
28. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
29. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
30. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
31. Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
32. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
33. Where are Preparations A through G?
34. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
35. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
36. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
37. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
38. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
39. If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
40. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
41. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
42. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
43. If the funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?
44. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
45. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
46. If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
47. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
48. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
49. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
50. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
51. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
52. Is it possible to be totally partial?
53. What's another word for thesaurus?
54. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
55. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
56. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
57. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
58. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
59. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
60. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
61. When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
62. Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one?
63. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
64. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
65. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
66. How can a 2-pound box of candy make a person gain 5 pounds?
67. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
68. Why do they call them "Apartments" when they are all stuck together?
69. What is the sound of one hand clapping?
70. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
71. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
72. If a deaf mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
73. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
74. Is there another word for synonym?
75. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
76. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
77. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
78. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
79. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
80. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
81. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
82. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
83. How is it possible to have a civil war?
84. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
85. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
86. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
87. Why aren't hemorrhoids called assteroids?
88. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
89. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $4.99 a minute.

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q. Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A. Because if they pulled them around by the feet, they'd fill up with mud.

Q. What is it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A. Marriage.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made the chain too long.

Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they all just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year seven. who has the biggest boobs?
A. The blonde, coz' she's 18.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Straight through the chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. All the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. All the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time you can walk all over them for life.

Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "filthy but wearable".

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because men fake foreplay.

Q. What's the difference between a dog and a husband?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry two cups of coffee in each hand, and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A. The girl who can eat the last donut.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A. Those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

1. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The repellent blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
2. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
3. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
4. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
5. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
6. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
7. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
8. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
9. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
10. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
11. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
12. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
13. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
14. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
15. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
16. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
17. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
18. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
19. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
20. Pearls melt in vinegar.
21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
22. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
23. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
24. Turtles can breathe through their butts.
25. Butterflies taste with their feet.
26. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
27. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
28. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
29. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
30. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
31. It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
32. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
33. A snail can sleep for three years.
34. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
35. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
36. All polar bears are left-handed.
37. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
38. "Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
39. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
40. "Skepticisms" is the longest word that alternates hands when typing.
41. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
42. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
43. Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
44. Starfish don’t have brains.
45. Apples are more efficient than caffeine at waking you up in the morning.
46. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
47. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop. Even your heart.
48. 7% of the population are lefties.
49. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
50. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
51. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
52. The average housefly lives for one month.
53. A coat hanger is 44-inches long when straightened.
54. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
55. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
56. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
57. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
58. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
59. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo.
60. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
61. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
62. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
63. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
64. No words in the English language rhyme with month, orange, silver or purple.
65. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
66. "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
67. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33 and she would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
68. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
69. Cats have over one-hundred vocal sounds.  Dogs only have about ten.
70. China has more English speakers than the United States.
71. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
72. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
73. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
74. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
75. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
76. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
77. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
78. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
79. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
80. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
81. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
82. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
83. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
84. The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.
85. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
86. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
87. A shrimp's heart is in it's head.
88. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
89. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
90. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
91. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
92. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
93. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
94. If you keep your eyes open when sneezing, they may pop out from the force.
95. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
96. Rats and horses can't vomit.
97. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
98. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
99. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
100. There are 18 different animal shapes in the Animal Crackers cookie zoo.
101. Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second.
102. In a standard deck of playing cards, the king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
103. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
104. The placement of a donkey's eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet at all times.
105. There are more than one million animal species on Earth.
106. The state of Florida is bigger than England.
107. A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge. A dime has 118 grooves.
108. Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill.
109. A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel.
110. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
111. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
112. The Hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.
113. Your ears and nose never stop growing.
114. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
115. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
116. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
117. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
118. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious
119. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
120. There are more chickens than people in the world.
121. There is no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
122. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." ~ Cliff Clavin (we all know who Cliff and Norm are)

"Only the dead have seen the end of war." ~ Plato

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas men are just grateful." ~ Robert De Niro

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." ~ Sharon Stone

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Rodney Dangerfield

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ~ Woody Allen

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." ~ Tiger Woods

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." ~ Rev. Jesse Jackson

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~ Robin Williams

".....work hard toward the American dream, because there's no such thing as a French dream. There is a Mexican dream. It's to get the hell out of Mexico and come to the United States." ~ Ted Nugent

"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings. The inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries." ~ Winston Churchill

"There are only two places where socialism can work: Heaven, where it is not needed, and Hell, where they already have it." ~ Winston Churchill

"If a lot of dogs are on the beach, the first thing they do is smell each other's asses. The information that's gotten somehow makes pacifists out of all of them. I've thought, 'If only we smelled each other's asses, there wouldn't be any war.' " ~ Dustin Hioffman

"It is only the warlike power of a civilized people that can give peace to the world. " ~ Theodore Roosevelt

"You can’t be for big government, big taxes, and big bureaucracy and still be for the little guy." ~ Ronald Regan

"Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them." ~ Ronald Regan

"There is no hell. There is only France." ~ Frank Zappa

"Each man is the architect of his own fate." ~ Appius Claudius (Roman statesman, 300BC)

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." ~ Gandhi

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt.

A sign at a Sri Lankan swimming pool: "Do not use the diving board when the swimming pool is empty."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.  'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags.. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?', the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

A three-family home burned down in New York.

The Puerto Rican family on the first floor all perished.

The black family on the third floor all perished.

No one was injured from the white family on the second floor.

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were enraged, calling a press conference and demanding from the Manhattan Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen, to which the Chief replied, ""They were all at work."

On Old Age and Retirement

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

When I was younger, all I wanted was a nice BMW. Now, I don't care about the W.

We got married for better or for worse. Well, he couldn't do better and I couldn't do any worse.

I was always taught to respect my elders. Now I don't have anyone to respect.

I asked my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs. She said, "Depends."

I was at the beauty shop for two hours... getting an estimate.

The snap, crackle and pop in the morning isn't the Rice Krispies.

Did you know that Florida is God's waiting room?

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I suspect there's are a lot more of this stuff out there. . .

Can you make sense out of this?

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger and there is no apple or pine in pineapple.

Sweetmeats are candies and sweetbreads are meat. What's with that?

Boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is not from Guinea and is not a pig.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, do humanitarian eat humans?

We recite at a play and play at a recital.

We ship by truck and send cargo by ship.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?

How can a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

Of course your house can burn up as it burns down and you fill in a form by filling it out.

And an alarm goes off by going on.

The human race is not a race at all.

If the stars are out, they are visible. If the lights are out, they are invisible.

And we have this universal word 'UP'

The two-letter word UP may have more uses than any other two-letter word.
The definition of UP is simple. It means toward the sky or at the top of the list. So. . .