Collection of Funnies

The Fart - a lovely poem -- posted 08-28-2009

A fart--it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease.
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
or it can be loud.
Some leave a powerful
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short
Or it can be long.
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.

A fart can create
A most curious medley.
A fart can be harmless
Or silent and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile.
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But that farts are all bad,
Is simply not true.
We must never forget
An old fart like you!

The Husband Store -- posted 07-25-2009

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

• You may visit this store ONLY ONCE.
• There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
• The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor.
• The shopper cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have Jobs and love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have Jobs, love Kids, and are extremely good looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, love Kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor.

The sign on the sixth floor reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A Final Note:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale -- posted 02-24-2006

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No."
The guy lived happily ever after. He went fishing, hunting, played golf alot, drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

News Flash -- posted 05-17-2005

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

Fun / Cool Sites -- posted: 12-28-2017

You really MUST check out the following sites...
Origami Boulder Company - Too funny. You really need to read this with your best Japanese accent
BrownDog Treats, Drinks & Eats - Expensive desserts in downtown Farmington.

The Glass Eye -- posted: 05-19-2003

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Signs You are Getting Older -- posted: 05-13-2003

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You send money to PBS.
You no longer think speed limits are a challenge.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You can sing along with elevator music.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

Well Water -- posted: 03-20-2003

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well!"

Tickle Me Elmo -- posted: 03-20-2003

A new employee is hired at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory and told to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

A Tough Decision -- posted: 03-20-2003

You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face the earth forever!

France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas.

As the President, you must decide: Do you...
 A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live
 B) Tape it and watch it in the morning

A Picture of God -- posted: 03-18-2003

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked "What are you drawing?"

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Hey Bartender -- posted: 03-12-2003

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender and he comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, now almost trembling. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Cheers -- posted: 03-07-2003

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine."

"That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

The Golden Telephones -- posted: 03-07-2003

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Pennsylvania, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Traverse City, Michigan. Upon entering a church in this northwestern area of Michigan , behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents". Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "I have been in churches all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Michigan now. This is God's country...it's a local call."

Died in Service -- posted: 03-07-2003

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Talk About Nuclear Power -- posted: 03-07-2003

There were two guys sitting in an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flights go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy who had just opened a good book, closed it and asked him, "What do you want to talk about?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about we discuss Nuclear Power."

The other guy says, "Well, let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer are all eating the same thing, but the deer shits out pellets; the cow shits big patties; and the horse shits clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Then how can you expect to talk about Nuclear Power when you don't know shit."

Martha Stuwart's Way and My Way -- posted: 03-05-2003

Martha's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
MY Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
MY Way: Buy Hungry Jack Mash Potato Mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's Way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauce and there won't be any stains.
MY Way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any whiteness on the outside of the cake.
MY Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt.
MY Way: If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking that's too damn bad. My motto is: I made it, you will eat it, I don't care how bad it tastes. Besides, I don't have anything but instant potatoes).

Martha's Way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it's fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
MY Way: Eat, cook or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's Way: To cure a headache, take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
MY Way: Martha dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore; it is because you are now blind.

Martha's Way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
MY Way: What leftover wine?

Martha's Way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potatoes on the stains and rinse with water.
MY Way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's Way: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
MY Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Martha's Way: Now look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer: To clean a toilet, drop two tablets in, wait 20 min, brush and flush. To remove a stain from a vase or glass cruet, fill with water and drop in 2 tablets. To polish jewelry, drop two Alka-Seltzer tabs into a glass of water and immerse jewelry for two minutes. To clean thermos bottle, fill with water and drop in 4 tabs and let sit for an hour or more (if necessary).
MY Way: Put your jewelry, vases and thermos in the toilet. Add a bottle of Alka-Seltzer tabs and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

Two Cows -- posted: 03-05-2003

A Christian: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A Socialist: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A Democrat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A Communist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A Fascist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

A Democrat, American style: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

A Capitalist, American style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

A Bureaucrat, American style: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

A Corporation, American style: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are an eleventh the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A German Corporation: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for a hundred years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

An Italian Corporation: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have forty-two cows. You count them again and learn you have twelve cows. You stop counting them and open another bottle of vodka.

A Mexican Corporation: You think you have two cows, but you're not sure where they are. You'll look for them tomorrow.

A Swiss Corporation: You have five thousand cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A Brazilian Corporation: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have a thousand cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

An Indian Corporation: You have two cows. You worship them.

A Taliban Corporation: You have two cows. You load them up with explosives and herd them onto your neighbor's property where you blow them up. Your neighbor dies. You starve to death.